Committed to the Force: Still Hopeful
I might have fucked up a little bit when Eric and I sat down to watch the first ever produced Star Wars movie, because it was like midnight and I brought a whiskey and maybe also a beer in there with me.
First surprise: these movies are fucking LONG, like two whole hours?! I didn’t know that. I might have, um, fallen asleep.
IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN I SWEAR TO OBI-WAN KENOBI.
Naps and subsequent cigarette breaks in the cold cold wind while I jumped up and down and Eric shamed me into staying awake nonwithstanding, I have a LOT of thoughts about this movie, especially as the gateway into this series. First, the opening! I was right, it’s TOTALLY just like Galaga, and I am not sure that the 20th Century Fox sound is ever going to be synonymous with SW for me, but Eric geeked the fuck out when it started playing so I get that it’s, like, a thing. Second, why the fuck are we starting at number 4? Seriously, that just comes off like Lucas having no narrative awareness. Going in, that’s what I was thinking, and after watching it I’m still not sure why we are going to jump around in time like that. This movie was so damn heavy on exposition that if I didn’t know I get to have six more I would have stopped. It is the LONGEST introduction I’ve ever gotten through, and even though some cool shit happens (like did they seriously actually blow up Alderaan WTF HOLD MY HAND) it’s just two hours of get ready for the real story y’all.
Leia! She’s fucking rad. I already knew she ran some shit, but she is totally running shit. I guess people are listening to her right now because she’s the only woman of any kind in this entire movie? I appreciate her position, but I have some issues with how she’s positioned, at least in this film. I’m really curious to see what happens in the next one, where more action and fighting and shit happens.
I forgot about the GoldMan and the Trash Can! Way into the movie I found out their names are C3PO and R2D2, and when they said that line about not being the droid you are looking for I was like THAT SELBY TIGERS SONG MAKES SENSE NOW. I’m in love with R2D2 even if they beat up that robot for jokes, but C3PO is a fucking asshole. Maybe that’s because it seems like robot slavery is completely okay on this planet? Maybe he’s totally mad and is like redneck white Trump supporters who just want to be better than someone so they try to control literally any other demographic they can, so that’s why he’s such a bitch to R2D2? At one point like mid-late through the movie they won’t let droids inside, even. I mean, I’m being funny here, yeah, but I really do see a parallel. This movie seems to have some serious racist undertones, and I’m sure other people have, at length and better than I will ever be able to, articulated those – that’s some after-movie reading for me.
So we meet Luke, and even though he’s a teenager you know he’s important because he’s wearing white ninja clothes. He’s pretty cute, yeah, but it seems like from over here this movie gets started because he disobeys his parents [ed. note: aunt and uncle?] and then they fucking straight up die and he’s like Ben be my dad. Is this going to end up being a long ass bildungsroman? Everyone is lying to him about Darth Vadar being his daddy [ed. note: It’s Vader, and Luke doesn’t know that, yet. You absorbed more SW knowledge than you thought!] because he’s a teenager who can’t handle the truth, is that it? Why doesn’t someone tell him. And I don’t know for sure but I think Luke is Leia’s bro because when he sees her hologram come out of R2D2 he immediately wants to bang it. They kiss a few times in this movie, too, and it’s just like WHY. ALSO, he kind of a bitch. I mean, he sounds like people who don’t vote, who are like this is bad but I’mma just sit back and like let shit happen for me or whatever.
Han Solo is a babe. But we already knew that, right? I bet girls in 1977 were all like are y’all Team Solo or Team Skywalker?! #TeamSolo
Oh and Chewbacca! I forgot about his ass too. Is it wrong to call him a dog? When I saw him, I said, “OMG that dog is so tall” and Eric immediately was like:
Yeah, but I really like him. He’s so loyal and friendly and protective of his master boss Han Solo (who, um, isn’t solo like ever) that I don’t know how anyone ever could look at that beautiful fur beard and mistake him for a dog. Also he hates the Roomba thing Darth Vadar [sic] has cleaning his Death Star house and I’ve like never heard of a dog hating a Roomba.
OMG can we talk about Darth Vadar [sic] for a second. First, he looks like a cat. Also, his hat looks like a big plastic dick. Everyone knows that, right? Common knowledge, right? There are so many dicks in this movie. A lot of ships and stuff look phallic, and the Storm Troopers are totally just white plastic dick counterparts. So we have a cat named Darth Vadar [sic] who’s obsessed with dicks and being a dick who cruises around on a ball ship and lies about being a dad. Cool.
Still, my absolute FAVORITE part in this movie is when Darth Vadar [sic] is flying around in the smaller ship about to shoot up Luke and then Han Solo flies up because he decided to not be a dick and be a Freedom Fighter and Darth Vadar [sic] is like deadpan “WUT.” I lost my SHIT at that part, and a bunch of other parts too, because this movie is a goddamn comedy. Why did I not know how funny this is? Are they all like this? Oh and how about when Darth Vadar’s [sic] captain (commander? Friend? Whatever) Moff Tarken [sic], aka the bad guy from Ratatouille, is like how is Obi-Wan not dead but he’s standing there looking like the Cryptkeeper? COMEDIC. GOLD.
Going into the next one, I’m looking forward to more hilarity in the Empire and also maybe some fights and Darth Vadar [sic] owning up and paying back child support. I know it’s going to get better, so fingers crossed I don’t have to spend as much time in the backstory for the next one. Eric has assured me that Episode V is the best of the entire series and that every fan agrees with him, so I’m pumped [ed. note: Eric is right. It’s the best of the series, see Clerks for more info…I mean, once you’re done, cos there’re major fucking spoilers in Dante’s rant about Jedi].
In the meantime, here are a few more drunk notes profound thoughts from me on this film:
- There are so many PowerPoint transitions!
- The villain in the desert in the beginning scenes is just like that little ghost villain from He-Man.
- Metaphors be with you. Has anyone said this before.
- I am getting sleepy. Eric looks straight OFFENDED.
- Dude R2D2’s captions are literally like “Bleep blip blop.”
- Obi-Wan looks like Gandalf wearing lipstick in that last death scene.
- Obi-Wan is also comforting af.
- Me: Why the fuck are these chairs rotating when they’re trying to kill these bad guys. Eric: They didn’t have Xbox yet, Laura.
- They totally vape in this movie right after they rip off that bug/pig guy’s arm in that bar!
- So, to kill the Death Star, you have to get it pregnant. Is this movie pro-choice as fuck or what.