Committed to the Force: It’s Not Okay
Editor’s note: Our very own Laura has never seen a single Star Wars movie and after much chastising decided it was a train she needed to be on. For the sake of many friendships. Check out her other posts on the subject here and here. Happy Star Wars Day, y’all, and May the Fourth Be With You.
Okay, listen. Eric told me this was the best movie, sj confirmed it, and I don’t know if I believe it yet (trying so hard to give those other five fucking movies a shot at my heart and not be mad if this really IS the best best) BUT this was a pretty fucking good movie. So much happens!
First we have to talk about how the Harry Potter references are strong with this one, babes. I mean, there’s the whole fucking plotline, right? Like there’s a dude who looks just like a regular boy (#teamsolo) but has the magic specials and is being constantly tempted by the seductive sexy dark side but is like NO, NEVER, I’M A GOOD BOY. The Dark Side is totally fucking Slytherin, the Admiral who looks like Simon Pegg is fucking Draco Malfoy, Vader is Voldemort, Yoda is Dumbledore, I can’t even. Oh and there’s a fucking hippogriff on the ice planet! OMG I got so excited, and of fucking COURSE the hippogriff dies to save a frozen Luke (shhhhhh, I def have this plot point right) because he’s the fucking majestic Buckbeak’s goddamn ancestor.
And I know this is LOTR, not HP, but don’t those big robot dinosaurs they shoot down on the ice planet look like those big ass elephants from LOTR? [ed. note: Oliphaunts] Like Luke even ties one up and knocks it over to an exploding death and I’m looking like a prophet predicting how the elf would do that with much more swagger in the future (Eric was unamused). [ed. note: sj is also not amused, how could you bring up those travesties?!]
If the first movie was all about exposition, then this one is all about letting those characters actually start doing shit, and so when I was watching I kept thinking about how different they are here than when we first met.
Holy shit do I love Darth Vader (thanks, sj, for helping me get that spelling right) [ed. note: No problem, yo.] in this one. Where he was all spooky and scary in the first one, that bitch gets straight DIVA in Episode Five: It’s Not Okay. It is exactly like when Beyonce was in Destiny’s Child and she was super cool and all, but then she gets settled into being a mega star and comes out with Sasha Fierce and is sexy and upfront and miles of legs and eyeliner and HAWT. On this big ass ship that muthafucka walks a runway and wears a cape that swishes all over the heads of his squad while he’s staring at the universe and plotting on his baby what done him WRONG. Ozzel fucks up and lets everyone know they’re above the ice planet and then can’t even kill the rebels on the ground, and what does Vader do? That bitch kills him over Skype right in front of Piett so the new bitch knows to not fuck up like his old boss. [ed. note: Holy shit, check you busting out the names plenty of fans don’t even know!] [Laura note: I took extensive notes watching this one, dude.] When Vader needs to go to Cloud City (sounds like a discount mattress store, btw) and pick up Skywalker bait, this dude doesn’t just show up on a ship and throw Leia in the backseat. Naw, dawg, he throws a fucking DINNER PARTY to let them know they’re fucked. Oh, son, don’t want to come hang with dad? I WILL CUT OFF YOUR FUCKING HAND.
Yoda, on the other hand, is more like a baby than I thought. After Obi-Wan’s stateliness, and seeing posters of Yoda being all zen, I thought I was gonna get a froggy version of Mr. Miyagi. Instead, when Luke goes to the swamps of Louisiana to turn into a badass Jedi, he gets this funny little nosy booger who trains Jedi knights by like forcing them to carry him around in a Baby Bjorn and trying to get on their nerves.
It’s super funny, though, because Yoda is so damn cute and Luke is so whiny in this one. UGH Luke literally pitches FITS in this movie when he can’t get the ship out of the swampwater or when Yoda like touches some of the hard tack someone packed in his little bento box lunchpail [ed. note: haaaaaaaaaaaa] when he first crosses the LA state line. I mean, dude has an Apple watch and special powers and gets to do a fitness vacay while Leia and everyone else are getting fucked in the Cloud City and still somehow he’s full of angsty ennui. I know, I know, he’s got the whole rebel force relying on him and stuff, but whine he does, ummm hmmmm.
All of the fighting and shit is awesome, too, but can we talk about Solo and Leia for a second because WUT. I’m totally into this relationship EXCEPT why is Leia being posited like this frosty virgin? Bitch is running a rebellion, I think she’s probably Diva Vader’s daughter too?, but in this movie she isn’t allowed to drive AND she is scared of the D. At every moment with Solo she is acting like a 12-year-old who is terrified and intrigued by flirting. Flustered, she gets, and it’s kind of weird. Am I being too lit-crit-professor when I say the ice planet is clearly a metaphor for her frigid vagina? Solo is swag AF in this film, and that interplay makes her sexual timidity even more puzzling. (Can I just sidebar here and say I like him because he’s a scoundrel? That my hands are dirty too so c’mereandkissme #teamsolo)
OMG and that scene where they actually do kiss? She FINALLY starts exploring her sexuality and then C3PO, the amazing British butler robot who walks like a toddler and can speak 58K languages but somehow didn’t upgrade his Anti-CockBlocking software, fusses in and fucks it up for her. Are they ever going to bang? Cliffhanger!
Oh, and can I just say, I am only okay about Solo being frozen in that plaque because I know for sure that he’s not going to be dead soon. It’s a bonus of all these movies coming out 4000 years ago; when they dropped him down the hole and were like he might die I was only a tiny bit upset because I thought it might hurt or something. Reassured, I was, by knowing he wasn’t going to die PLUS when Leia is like I LOVE YOU and he’s like I KNOW I was like WHY ARE YOU FUCKING AROUND WITH THAT FRESHMAN WHEN YOU COULD HAVE THIS SENIOR. Ugh I’m so so so #teamsolo ALTHOUGH Chewy is rad af and also Bobafet [ed. note: Boba Fett and he’s my goddamn boyfriend.], that guy? He’s totally the kind of dude you let take you home but don’t give your number. [ed. note: Lies] That just needed to be said.
In the next film, I’m really hoping to find out about the trench rot under Diva Vader’s helmet, if Leia and Solo bang it out for the rebel cause, if Leia is DV’s baby girl too, who’s the MOM?!, and if any other women are going to fucking show up like at all. [ed. note: About that…] Also I think Chewy should get a girlfriend, too, because he’s going to get lonely if Solo and Leia get mega involved because Leia is trending toward one of those gfs who is like this is MY SIDE OF THE BED NOW, pupper, get on the floor.
- Obi-Wan got fucking bossy in the afterlife.
- Chewbacca is an evolved Lassie.
- HIPPA laws would totally prevent how everyone’s just staring at Luke in the reanimation goop if the rebellion forces had their shit together enough to provide people with benefits.
- Bobafet? Is that his name? He looks like a Power Ranger who joined a biker gang.
- Really into Chewy’s beehive.
- Is it Chewie or Chewy? Eric is adamantly “ie” but does it matter? [ed. note: Listen to Eric.]