Whew! We are finally done, and it has been one hell of a ride, amirite?
When Tess left off, Cathy had just lost her shit at mommy and Corinne decided to punish them by staying away and NOT telling them her super frabjous news.
Eventually she returns and we learn that the reason she’d been gone so long (leaving grammy to starve them and whip the shit out of them and fucking tar Cathy’s head) was because she GOT MARRIED. To the mustachioed lothario, Bart. Well, I assume he’s a lothario…or maybe I just like saying that word.
It’s mustaches all the way down, guys.
So Cathy asks the logical question, here – namely “did you tell him about us?” But LAWS NO! She can’t tell her new young hubby (who had to be CONVINCED to marry her) about her four little attic mice because he’s DADDY’S LAWYER and then this whole house of cards would just come tumbling down.
Shortly after learning of their new step-daddy, Cathy and Chris are reading some totally inappropriate book together on their stained attic mattress when Chris loses his shit cos he doesn’t feel like a MAN. Well. Cathy knows how to fix him up right. WITH A HAIRCUT.
ORITE. I don’t know why I never thought of that before. The cure for blue balls is obvs a haircut.
A haircut that looks like this.
So, Chris decides to tease Cathy by saying he’s going to give HER a haircut, Cathy runs, Chris chases and falls on her with the damn scissors. After he bandages up the slice in her side, she cuddles him and he kisses her nipple? ”Was this a sin?” Um…you guys, I’m pretty sure this is PRECISELY what grammy was talking about, yo. Dude.
Whatever the reason, the nipple kissing seems to spur them into action cos they decide to get for srs about hatching an escape plan.
Chris steals the key momentarily when Corinne comes to visit and makes an impression of it in a handy bar of soap so he can carve a replica.
Now, when I read these as a kid, I totally bought it. Like, it didn’t even occur to me that this wouldn’t work, y’know? HEY, YEAH, YOU CAN TOTALLY CARVE A KEY OUT OF ATTIC SCRAPS AND IT WILL WORK, NO BIG! As an adult, though, I’m reading this shit and giving the book my best side-eye.
I’m watching you, book.
Of course the damn homemade key works (why would it not, really?) and instead of escaping immediately, they decide to rob the bitch blind. Slowly. Very slowly.
And the first time Cathy goes with Chris, she starts dressing up all whorey and shit and going through drawers where she finds a copy of the Kama Sutra that SHE AND HER BROTHER READ TOGETHER!
One day in the spring, Chris is sick so Cathy steals out of their room all by her lonesome and heads to mommy’s extravagant quarters where she finds…STEP-DADDY BART! He’s asleep in a chair, so Cathy does what any young girl would do when afraid of being caught…she sneaks up on him and kisses him to see if his damn mustache tickles.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, CATHY?! Like, were you hoping to be caught? I don’t even understand. I mean, maybe she should have woken him up and been all “HEY, GUESS WHAT? YOU ARE MY NEW DADDY!” or if she didn’t want to do that, just go the fuck back to bed, but instead SHE KISSES HIM.
Cathy, I can’t even.
The next time Chris goes out, of course he gets trapped in the room with his mother and Bart (because he was reading the damn sex book again), and hears all about “Bart’s dream” of the ingenue in the pegnoir (can we talk about Cathy’s lingerie for a sec?), which Corinne doesn’t seem to grasp, but Chris immediately knows was his sister.
So. He comes back to their attic rooms. Tells her he knows what she did. Tells her that SHE BELONGS TO HIM. And then he rapes her on their stained dirty mattress.
Now. Idk, you guys. There’s a lot of discussion (some of it heated) over the years over whether this was actually rape. I know that Cathy says she could have fought him off if she’d tried a little harder? But calling it anything other than rape just feels wrong to me.
I don’t know. We can discuss whether it is or not in the comments, I guess.
Chris is immediately remorseful and there’s talk of self-castration and whatnot.
Chris, dude. Fucking rub one out in the bathroom, or some shit, or WAIT FOR HER TO SAY YES! I know you don’t have a dad around to talk about these feelings you’re having, but show some goddamn restraint. Fuck.
Meanwhile, Cory is getting sicker and sicker (remember Cory? I’d kind of forgotten about him, too) and they eventually convince Corinne to take him to a hospital. Somehow they think they’re going to convince her to let Cathy go with them, but that doesn’t happen.
She returns the next day with the news that Cory died and she HAD HIM BURIED UNDER A FALSE NAME.
At least the shitty 80s movie showed the butler digging his grave on the grounds, cos WHO ACTUALLY BELIEVES SHE DID ANY OF THIS SHIT?
That is more than one grave, yo.
Show of hands?
Yeah, me neither.
Welp. Since Cory’s dead, there’s only one thing left to do. Steal fucking everything and GTFO.
Oh, but one problem.
Mommy Dearest and Step-Daddy Bart have moved out and taken all their shit with them.
So Chris decides to rob grammy. But she’s awake and reading the bible WITHOUT HER WIG. So, um…who’s left? GRANDPA! Let’s rob the old bastard and maybe tell him all about us, ruining mommy’s chances of inheriting, yeah?
Except Gramp’s room is empty.
And Chris gets walked in on AGAIN. This time by the butler and some maid who decide to fuck and gossip while he hides behind the couch. Which is when Chris learns that Grandfather has been dead FOR A GODDAMN YEAR and that THE DOUGHNUTS ARE POISON!
But they can’t just take the word of some household servants that Grammy’s been poisoning the “mice” in the attic, can they? Nope. They decide to test their theory on their pet, Mickey. And of course he dies.
And so do the last vestiges of their childhoods.
NOW can we escape? Oh, okay.
But let’s not take any of our evidence to the police or anything. Let’s just let bygones be bygones, okay?
So! What did you guys think? Did everything play out like you thought it would? Was it as deliciously trashy as you remembered it being/hoped it would be? Let us know in the comments!