It all started with an innocuous tweet…
— Skyla Dawn Cameron (@skyladawn) August 7, 2013
Juuuuust when you thought it was safe to go back on the Twitterz.
This got us Book
sluts cunts dikes FOR THE LOVE OF PETE WHAT ARE WE NOW, MITCH? thinking. I know, it’s hard to reconcile ladies with thinking, I mean, they’re just two such disparate things…but stick with me here, jellybeans.
How, exactly, would the world’s beloved Shark Week compare in a DEATH MATCH against our scrappy, up-and-coming (pun most definitely intended) Cunt Week?
I mean, Shark Week, you guys. People LOVE Shark Week. People talk about it ALL YEAR LONG.
But Cunt Week – I mean. It’s all about cunts, yo. Who (other than Mitch, and that douchenozzle Todd Akin who thinks we have vagininjas who can shut down “legitimate rape”) doesn’t like cunts?
Let’s enter the arena, shall we?
Do we all remember the rules?
Two books enter. One book leaves.
Shit, we’re gonna have to amend the rules.
Two week-long events beloved by many enter; one week-long event beloved by many leaves.
Today, our contenders: a week-long celebration of all things Selachimorpha – yes, whale sharks all the way down to the tiny dwarf lanternshark – versus a week-long celebration of all things cunty. Cuntalicious. Cuntabulous. Who will win? WHO, I ask you, WILL WIN?
(I’d say we’re gonna need a bigger boat, but the boat’s just the right size for the little man in there. If anyone tells you it isn’t, they shouldn’t be allowed access into your marina of pleasure ever again.)
WHAT IS SHARK WEEK?
The Discovery Channel’s Shark Week, first broadcast on July 17, 1987, is a week-long series of feature television programs dedicated to sharks. Held annually, normally in July or August, Shark Week was originally developed to raise awareness and respect for sharks. It is the longest-running cable television programming event in history. Now broadcast in over 72 countries, Shark Week is promoted heavily via social networks like Facebook and Twitter.
Well, that’s exciting, right? A highly-anticipated week-long event, ongoing for 27 years, originally to raise awareness and respect for sharks. Well, I’m all for raising awareness of animals. Animals are my favorite. They’re quite often much better than people. They’re much less likely to troll the comments of blog posts and call you names, for example.
WHAT IS CUNT WEEK?
Per my brain-area (which, yes, is suspect, because it’s tainted – heh – by my possession of a cunt):
The Insatiable Booksluts’ Cunt Week, begun in August 2013, is a week-long series of blog posts dedicated to cunts. Cunt Week was originally developed in response to a Mitch, a misogynist who thought it was a good idea to call the authors of the blog “cunts” in their comments. The Booksluts decided to reclaim the word by celebrating all things cunty. It has been received to critical acclaim, and has been promoted heavily via social networks like Facebook, Twitter, and, most perplexingly yet pleasingly, Ravelry.
You know how when in movies someone looks all shocked and says, “WE’VE CREATED A MONSTER?” Yeah, I think that might be what happened this week. We were just screwin’ around, yo. We had no idea Cunt Week would – well, pardon the obvious joke – get so much play.
Now, my precious peanuts…are you ready? It’s time for…DEATH MATCH.
The rules of DEATH MATCH are simple. THERE ARE NO RULES. No, sorry, that’s not true, there are totally rules. The rules are: I will score the weeks on an arbitrary system and, at the end, ONE WEEK WINS. What does the week win? YOU SHALL SEE.
Today’s DEATH MATCH shall be scored with: a shark-shaped vibrator. (Appropriate for both weeks.) I shall name him Bruce. (What, the voice of that shark on Finding Nemo was pretty hot, no?)
- Fake documentaries about supersharks presented as actual science: -5 Bruces
- A show called “Shark After Dark”: +1 Bruce
“the Sand Tiger shark, whose cannibalistic young devour each other in the womb”: +3 Bruces
- A documentary called “Sharkopalypse”: +2 Bruces
- Shows called “Alien Sharks of the Deep” and “Great White Gauntlet”: +1 Bruce (Side note: these are totally cunty euphemisms)
- People’s undying devotion to Shark Week: +5 Bruces
- A week dedicated to people learning about something sciency: +4 Bruces
- People saying stupid things all year long like “I LIVE EVERY WEEK LIKE IT’S SHARK WEEK”: -5 Bruces
- Conversations on Twitter about fake movies like “Cuntcano” and “Cuntocalypse”: +3 Bruces
- The many, many conversations, comments, tweets, Facebook threads, and private messages that have happened this week celebrating the cunt: +5 Bruces
- The fact that Mitch still seems to think, on some level, this is still all good publicity for his “book”: -5 Bruces
- Taking down misogynistic internet trolls, one cuntastic post at a time: +2 Bruces
- Listening to cunty music with sj’s playlist: +3 Bruces
- Learning about Georgia O’Keeffe’s “non-cunts” with Susie: +3 Bruces
- Learning about both a book AND a coloring book about cunts with Laura: +3 Bruces
- Making up new words all week, like “cunty,” “cuntastic,” “cuntiness,” and “cuntocalypse”: +4 Bruces
I’m going to tally the votes. While I’m tallying, please consider this: there are documented cases of female sharks, when in absence of male sharks, were able to practice asexual reproduction in order to propogate the species. That’s pretty fucking cunty, am I right? They don’t even NEED a man! Whoo!
AND! THE WINNER IS! This was a tough one. They’re both such beloved contenders. Cuntenders? Ahem. With a total of 18 Bruces to 6 Bruces…
OMG, you guys. Give your cunt a hand. She totally deserves it. (And I don’t want to be all spoiler-alert, but if you do it right, I think you’ll both benefit.)
Cunt Week, please collect your prize! Today’s DEATH MATCH prize is:
Yes, it’s the one prize I thought cunts would like most of all. Respect. (And guess what, guys? It’s sexy as hell, respect. And guess what’s the opposite of respect? Cunt-shouting strangers on the internet. YOU’RE WELCOME, MITCH!)
Thank you for playing, and come back again for our next round of DEATH MATCH, where we will pit two more equally worthy adversaries against one another until the BITTER, BITTER END!