Why Most Writing Advice is Garbage

Serious Novels

[In hindsight, that I asked Tony to write this either makes me very wise or kind of a dick. Or both. Yeah, probably both.. nah, really, I\'m still leaning toward dick. -- Susie]

A little while back, Susie asked me if I would be interested in writing a post about “why most writing advice is garbage.”  At first I thought, “But I write a lot of writing advice.”  Then I thought that I read a lot of writing advice.  And then I realized that most of it doesn’t really do anything for me.

Here are a few reasons to ignore most of the writing advice you find:

Some writers are better at writing writing advice than they are at writing fiction.  When I first began taking my writing seriously, I got on the internet (this was in 1998, mind you) and found a site with tons of great writing advice. (I found it by searching Yahoo.)  The author had so much to say, and I found her advice inspiring.  I thought that she must certainly be one of the best authors ever, so I picked up one of her books.  It was really awful, and I vowed never to read her books or writing advice after that.

Different sources can contradict each other.  Stephen King says to write a book from the beginning to the end.  James V. Smith says skip around.  Chris Baty says get to the end within thirty days.  Chuck Wendig says spend as much time as you need to.  Who is right?  All of them?  None of them?

Nobody really follows advice anyway.  Have you ever given someone advice before?  Most people who ask me for advice end up doing the exact opposite of what I tell them.  Maybe it’s because I give them bad advice, or maybe it’s because they know that my advice is not going to work for them.  Whatever the reason, they generally just do what they’re going to do.  Come to think of it, I generally do the same thing when I ask for advice.  Why would writing advice be any different?

Many writers who give writing advice are not any more successful than you are.  I’m a great example of this.  I have written several articles with recommendations on how to improve your writing, but I have yet to have any fiction published.  How do I know what’s good?

If writing advice is so awful, should you just ignore it?  Maybe.  But maybe not.  Here’s my advice on taking writing advice.

Writing advice You can’t go wrong with timeless writing cliches like, “Write what you know.”

Pay attention to what the writers you admire have to say.  As a matter of common sense, the authors whose books you like will probably have the best advice on writing books that you can be proud of.

Take writing advice with a grain of salt. (Or a shot of whiskey.)  Think about it before you try something.  Is it honestly something you will be able to do?  Will you actually benefit from it?  Or is it just an idea that sounds cool but will waste your time?  Ask yourself these questions.

Use what works for you.  Ultimately, if you’re in a good groove and like what you’re doing, maybe you don’t need any advice.  On the other hand, if you feel like your writing is stagnating, perhaps it will help to seek the mentorship or support of  a fellow writer.

Bad advice may not be all that bad, either. if it inspires you or makes you want to write, whether to try it or to prove it wrong, it’s probably worth a try.

Do any readers have advice on taking advice?  Please share with the rest of us in the comments.  In the mean time, stay motivated and keep writing!

Why Aspiring Authors Shouldn’t Major in English

Do you want to be a writer when you grow up?  I know I do.  When I was in high school trying to decide on a college and a major, English seemed like the perfect subject to study.  After all, English is the language I would be writing in, right?  Looking back, I think I made a huge mistake.

Perks of Being an English Major

This is exactly how my life went . . . oh, wait . . .

The major problem with majoring in English was that, although I gained some marketable skills from it, it did very little to prepare me for being a writer.  Here are some of the reasons why I don’t think it’s a good idea for writers to major in English:

  • You already know English.  If you can read this, chances are you already have native or near-native proficiency in English.  Why would you spend tens of thousands of dollars on a program where you’re just going to learn more about a language you already know?  Most programs don’t even spend much time on grammar or linguistics, so you’re not really gaining any arcane English knowledge that you couldn’t have picked up while you were in high school.
  • Writing classes are required for every major.  For most four-year degrees, regardless of what you major in, you will be required to take a course in English composition.  My upper-level English composition class had students from every major in it.  Even at the most basic level of English 101, you will learn how to write an essay and you will learn correct grammar.  Best of all, one of your required textbooks will be a grammar reference.  Make sure you hold onto it; I still have mine.
  • You’re just going to read a lot of literature.  If you want to be a writer, but you don’t already read as much as you possibly can, I want you to hit yourself.  No, really.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait . . . Okay, as I was saying, if you want to be a writer, you probably already read all the time.  Something has to inspire your desire to create worlds, right?  The things you read will have a major impact on your writing style and the kinds of stories you will create.  For me, I enjoyed reading great English literature from a variety of time periods, but as a writer, I find that those were not the kinds of stories that inspired me.  I drew most of my inspiration from my leisure reading of speculative fiction–not from reading the classics.

    How to Read a Book

    Fortunately, there’s a whole book on the subject.

  • Studying other subjects gives you a different perspective to write from.  I really enjoy reading a book with realistic details about careers, hobbies, and interests outside of my own scope.  It provides a kind of escape from my own mundane life.  I don’t know much about business, law, or science, but I think books that revolve around these topics are fascinating.  Michael Crichton is a good example of a writer whose expertise in scientific fields translated into fascinating science fiction stories involving everything from biotech to mutant gorillas.  All I’m saying is you don’t want to be the kid who writes about writers writing.  Only Stephen King can get away with that; he breaks all the rules.
  • English programs don’t teach job skills or business sense.  Let’s be honest: most writers are going to need a second job while they’re writing that bestseller.  On a resume, you look about as smart as the French exchange student who got good grades in French.  What’s more, in order to succeed as a writer, you’ll need to know how to be an effective communicator and an effective promoter.  You would think that writing letters or e-mails and writing fiction go hand-in-hand, but they don’t.

I don’t necessarily want to discourage aspiring writers from majoring in English.  Plenty of successful writers have been English majors.  However, it’s important to realize that an English degree will leave gaps in your education and skill set.  If I had to do it over, I would have picked a journalism or business major instead, and I would have also joined up with the school newspaper and a few other clubs that interested me.  Get out and try some things that are outside of your comfort zone, because fiction writing is about characters overcoming conflict, and you won’t know about conflict until you’ve faced a challenge.

Maybe you’re planning to major in English anyway, or maybe you’ve already got an English degree.  What was your experience with an education in English?  Leave a comment!

Poetry Inspiration: Permission to Scream

There are a lot of poems I could have chosen to show you where my inspiration comes from. If you like these, maybe I’ll write more of them – it’s not like I’d ever run out of poems to talk about. Today, let’s talk about another poet whose work I not only love to distraction (both her poetry and her fiction) but who I admire a great deal as a human being, as well.

Marge Piercy!

I decided on this photo because, cat! Also, she has amazing hair. It has a life of its own. I’m a fan of people with crazy hair. Because my own hair WILL NOT BE TAMED.

Marge Piercy was another poet I discovered in college – this time in poetry class. My poetry professor/mentor Ruth Stone, who I adore (and who was a brilliant poet in her own right, and who has recently passed away, and is very missed) was a big fan of Piercy’s work. Ruth knew everyone. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they’d met at some point. Ruth was a big fan of feminist poetry, and we read a lot of that in class. (Which either made the men in class nod like “look how SENSITIVE I am!” or get all up-in-arms like “GRUMP GRUMP I AM BEING OPPRESSED.”)

Piercy has written more books than I can count (both poetry and fiction; my favorite book of hers, The Moon is Always Female, is the one I annotated and gave away when we had our IB anniversary giveaway recently) and this poem, my favorite of hers, comes from that book. (If you like this, please treat yourself to some of her other work. I had a hard time narrowing it down to this one.) I was lucky enough to see Piercy speak at a writing convention in…oh, let’s see, probably the late 90s? She was wild and funny and intelligent and I don’t think I stopped grinning the entire time. Nothing like seeing one of your idols on a stage to make you feel like you can do anything in the world, you know? (It’s a long one. Stick with me, jellybeans, it’s worth it, I promise. It’s more of a…I guess you’d say it’s a statement? A poem as statement? A statement as poem?)

Right to Life

A woman is not a pear tree
thrusting her fruit in mindless fecundity
into the world. Even pear trees bear
heavily in one year and rest and grow the next.
An orchid gone wild drops few warm rotting
fruit in the grass but the trees stretch
high and wiry gifting the birds forty
feet up among inch long thorns
broken atavistically from the smooth wood.

A woman is not a basket you place
your buns in to keep them warm. Not a brood
hen you can slip duck eggs under.
Not the purse holding the coins of your
descendants till you spend them in wars.
Not a bank where your genes gather interest
and interesting mutations in the tainted
rain, any more than you are.

You plant corn and you harvest
it to eat or sell. You put the lamb
in the pasture to fatten and haul it in to
butcher for chops. You slice the mountain
in two for a road and gouge the high plains
for coal and the waters run muddy for
miles and years. Fish die but you do not
call them yours unless you wished to eat them.

Now you legislate mineral rights in a woman.
You lay claim to her pastures for grazing,
fields for growing babies like iceberg
lettuce. You value children so dearly
that none ever go hungry, none weep
with no one to tend them when mothers
work, none lack fresh fruit,
none chew lead or cough to death and your
orphanages are empty. Every noon the best
restaurants serve poor children steaks.
At this moment at nine o’clock a partera
is performing a table top abortion on an
unwed mother in Texas who can’t get
Medicaid any longer. In five days she will die
of tetanus and her little daughter will cry
and be taken away. Next door a husband
and wife are sticking pins in the son
they did not want. They will explain
for hours how wicked he is,
how he wants discipline.

We are all born of woman, in the rose
of the womb we suckled our mother’s blood
and every baby born has a right to love
like a seedling to sun. Every baby born
unloved, unwanted, is a bill that will come
due in twenty years with interest, an anger
that must find a target, a pain that will
beget pain. A decade downstream a child
screams, a woman falls, a synagogue is torched,
a firing squad is summoned, a button
is pushed and the world burns.

I will choose what enters me, what becomes
of my flesh. Without choice, no politics,
no ethics lives. I am not your cornfield,
not your uranium mine, not your calf
for fattening, not your cow for milking.
You may not use me as your factory.
Priests and legislators do not hold shares
in my womb or my mind.
This is my body. If I give it to you
I want it back. My life
is a non-negotiable demand.

I read this poem in college – we’d been studying Piercy in class, so I took The Moon is Always Female out from the library and read some of her other work on my own – and as I read this my eyes opened. That’s a cliché, isn’t it? But I come from a very small, very religious town. Women are seen, not heard. We come in second to our husbands and we have our babies and we vote Republican because that’s what our husbands tell us to do and we don’t shout. Because it’s not ladylike.

If I’d stayed in my hometown, this person would be writing this post. Or wouldn’t be, because her husband wouldn’t have approved of book-larnin’.

This poem is a shout. This poem is a barbaric yawp. And, better yet? It’s a woman doing the yawping.

I won’t break this down line by line – I mean, who has all day, right? But let’s talk about a little of what I love here, and what works for me, and what inspires me:

  • The passion and the anger in this poem. I know (especially if you’re one of my, to quote King, Constant Readers) this will probably shock you, but I used to be pretty quiet. Especially about things that I knew would upset people. I mean, I had my beliefs. But shh, we don’t SAY them. That’s not pretty. That’s not ladylike. This poem gave me permission. Can a poem do that? This one did. I remember trying to explain that to my freshman roommate – a very liberated Lawn Guylander, thank you very much – and her just laughing in delight.  ”This is my body. If I give it to you/I want it back.” “I am not your cornfield,/not your uranium mine, not your calf/for fattening, not your cow for milking.” “You may not use me as your factory.” Read that again, and imagine you’re a 17-year-old girl in college who’s just realizing she has a mind of her own and it’s a big old world out there. YOU MAY NOT USE ME AS YOUR FACTORY. I felt like a door that had been closed to me my whole life had not just opened, it had BLOWN open.
  • I like the politics in the poem. It’s an argument, really. It’s a response to every politician who’s trying to take away our right to choose. Oh, you don’t want us to be able to have abortions? Read stanza four and tell me again there are good homes for every unwanted baby. Really? Really?
  • I like the nature imagery, the woman’s body as a pear tree, the “mindless fecundity,” the legislation of mineral rights in a woman.
  • I like the length. This gave me permission to, sometimes, turn off my self-edit button: to just let it fly and see what happens. You can edit later. Sometimes, what comes out is good. Sometimes you just have to rant. Sometimes, life demands a good rant.
  • That last line. “My life/is a non-negotiable demand.” Is that not brilliant? Is that not strong? Don’t you want Piercy to be your aunt and to take you to a loud lunch where you argue politics and feminist theory and laugh so loud you disrupt the neighbors? I do. I so do. My life is, you know. A non-negotiable demand. It was before I read this, and I didn’t even know it. She put it into words for me.

A huge thank you to Piercy, who – well, she didn’t give me a voice. The voice was always there. She gave me permission to use it. She let me know it was ok. She let me know it was allowed – and that I could be loud.

I haven’t looked back since.

Poetry Inspiration: Getting Political

Choosing just a couple of poems/poets who inspired me was NOT an easy feat. Let me just tell you that right now. I have a LIST. Then I went through the list and I was like, “ooh, this one. NO THIS ONE. But how can I leave this one off? SOPHIE’S CHOICE SOPHIE’S CHOICE!!!!” and it was all very heart-rending. And here you have had a peek at the life of a total and complete poetry nerd! You’re welcome, tip your waiters.

Finally, I decided on two. Both are somewhat political. Please don’t think ALL I’m inspired by is political poetry. I think what inspires me the most is passion, whatever form it comes in. Passion and a beautiful use of words.

Today, let’s talk about Carolyn Forché.

Carolyn Forché is a political poet (although she’d prefer to be called a “politically informed poet.”) She has an amazing control of words.  She’s a professor and a writer and a translator; she’s lived a lot of lives in her years on this earth. I’m very impressed by her. I have been since college since I read her work in one of my literature classes. Yes! I wasn’t even introduced to her in poetry class, but in one of my world literature classes.

On a personal note, the professor in college who introduced me to Forché – Professor Constance Coiner, who was tough and wicked and taught a lit class like nobody’s business and you either loved this woman or you hated her (I loved her, even though I was a little petrified of her) actually KNEW Forché.

This is a TERRIBLE photo of her. She was very vivacious. This photo makes her look really leaden. She’d hate this.

And in my first year of grad school, I was taking one of my first graduate courses with Professor Coiner, and I was so excited and felt like such a grownup. And right before classes started, there started to be some rumblings of a plane crash off the coast of Long Island, a plane on the way to France, and there were no survivors. And they started showing the faces of the dead, as they do, once the families have been notified. Professor Coiner was on the plane, with her twelve-year-old daughter. Forché came to our university a few months later for a fundraiser in her honor. I couldn’t get in to see her. You couldn’t get a ticket. It was impossible. Packed. (In researching this, I just found out Professor Coiner’s maiden name was almost my last name. Huh. In some world, we were related, I think. I like that.) Anyway, I’ll never forget Professor Coiner. And I’ll never forget hearing the following poem for the first time in her classroom, in the school library, with the fall breeze coming in the tall pebbled illegally-propped-open windows. It’s from her brilliant book The Country Between Us, which I highly recommend as a whole, as well.

The Colonel

WHAT YOU HAVE HEARD is true. I was in his house. His wife carried
a tray of coffee and sugar. His daughter filed her nails, his son went
out for the night. There were daily papers, pet dogs, a pistol on the
cushion beside him. The moon swung bare on its black cord over
the house. On the television was a cop show. It was in English.
Broken bottles were embedded in the walls around the house to
scoop the kneecaps from a man’s legs or cut his hands to lace. On
the windows there were gratings like those in liquor stores. We had
dinner, rack of lamb, good wine, a gold bell was on the table for
calling the maid. The maid brought green mangoes, salt, a type of
bread. I was asked how I enjoyed the country. There was a brief
commercial in Spanish. His wife took everything away. There was
some talk then of how difficult it had become to govern. The parrot
said hello on the terrace. The colonel told it to shut up, and pushed
himself from the table. My friend said to me with his eyes: say
nothing. The colonel returned with a sack used to bring groceries
home. He spilled many human ears on the table. They were like
dried peach halves. There is no other way to say this. He took one
of them in his hands, shook it in our faces, dropped it into a water
glass. It came alive there. I am tired of fooling around he said. As
for the rights of anyone, tell your people they can go fuck them-
selves. He swept the ears to the floor with his arm and held the last
of his wine in the air. Something for your poetry, no? he said. Some
of the ears on the floor caught this scrap of his voice. Some of the
ears on the floor were pressed to the ground.

If you click on that link above, you can hear Forché reading the poem (highly recommended); if you click on this link, you can hear yours truly reading the poem (not as highly recommended, but some people might like such things, what do I know. I can assure you she lends much more gravitas to the reading than I do.)

I’m not embarrassed to say the first time I heard this poem (read aloud, as I think poetry is meant to be, sometimes) I was swept up. I was shocked and I was awed and then the end happened and I had tears; I had tears for the dead, of course, but I had tears for the poet. A poet who writes things of beauty, confronted with such ugliness. A poet who turned such ugliness into such a thing of power.

What inspired my work from this, and some things I just absolutely love to death about this:

  • I love the idea of a prose poem. I haven’t yet tackled one. That doesn’t mean I haven’t TRIED to tackle one. It just means I haven’t been successful. Someday I will conquer the prose poem; I will have Forché to thank for that.
  • I love the idea of taking from the true and having it inform your work. Anyone who’s read my poetry (hi, people who’ve read my poetry!) knows I do that a lot. I don’t have a single poem that’s completely from the realm of fantasy. Even ones that aren’t about me, per se, are informed by truth, and by things that have actually happened to me. This is because poets tend to be magpies for all things that are shiny, all things that would look pretty, polished and set in a poem. Or even things that would NOT look pretty – things that would shock, and awe, and amaze.
  • I like the idea of things starting so mundanely, then building to such a conclusion. You can sense the tension. It’s handled so masterfully. Even though things start calmly, you already are on edge – it’s called “The Colonel,” after all. Is anything good going to come of that? We get “a pistol on the cushion beside him,” we get “scoop the kneecaps from a man’s legs or cut his hands to lace.” (That last one, what powerful beauty in an ugly image, right?)
  • Then the ears. Oh, my, the ears. The simple grocery sack filled with ears. Two ears to a person and the sack was filled. Your breath catches. How many lives are represented by the sack? The one in the glass that comes alive there. The ones on the floor pressed to the ground. The friend warning her with his eyes to say nothing. The poet, being dared, utterly dared, by the colonel to use this for her poetry. You can hear his contempt in this, his disregard for what she does.
  • And we’re reading what she does. She’s giving a voice to the bodies behind the ears. She’s giving a voice to the missing. She’s taking him up on his dare. She’s daring to eat a peach, to quote Eliot. And oh, she succeeds, doesn’t she? This poem has lasted, long after the act and the ears and the colonel have gone.

It’s poetry as a weapon and it’s poetry as revenge and it’s poetry to give a voice to those who cannot have their own, whose voice has been taken from them. It’s poetry as politics. And it’s beautiful, in its ugliness. It’s flowers growing from a corpse. It’s art in a cemetery.

Thank you, Professor Coiner, and thank you, Carolyn Forché. Someday I hope to write something that lives up to this standard. Thank you for giving me the standard to aspire to.

Spamtastic: The Prompt Impromptu Winner!

Yesterday, we had a competition to see who could write the best spam. Everyone put forth their best spammy efforts, and I have to say, I would hire each and every one of you if I ran a spam business. But there was one spam entry that made me snort especially hard, and that was from (insert drumroll here):

Rise!

His entry:

Laser hair surgery and eye removal. Well-tested techno-logical break-through. Garanteed to make you look the new you. Turn a Blind Eye on Your Old You! Make a Appointment now!

http://www.itsdnewyou.com

I think it was the “eye removal” part that had me in stitches, especially in combination with “Turn a Blind Eye on Your Old You!” Congrats, Rise! As you can see, I made you a Spam trophy. Here’s a smaller version in case you want to display it proudly somewhere:

Stay tuned for our next Prompt Impromtu, which will likely be just as random, whenever the inspiration strikes.

Prompt Impromptu: Spam, spam, spam, spam.

Hello, booksluttians! Today, we are introducing a new segment that I’m calling Prompt Impromptu. Prompt Impromptu will consist of . . . well, an impromptu writing prompt. It’s pretty self-explanatory, I guess.

Earlier, I giving my spam folder a quick scan before I cleared it out. I always do this for two reasons: sometimes–very rarely, but sometimes–legitimate comments get caught in there and I want to fish them out; also, even when there are no legitimate comments, sometimes the spam cracks me up. Actually, it cracks me up even when it’s nothing special. Spam is often either relentlessly cheerful or passive-aggressive in tone. “I am to love your contents, however, your theme could use some work!” “Great job on this article, your site is the best on the internet for this type of thing!” Occasionally, though, we get spam that’s so good that we have to publish it. Comments like these couldn’t be lost to the eternal void that is “Delete Permanently”:

From “gamecockike”: “yo I want to see more of Black Dicks on here good bye”

From “hotels near wembley stadium”: “Youve got so significantly to say, such knowledge about this subject it could be a shame to see this blog disappear. The internet requirements you, man!”

From “Heart Touching Quotes”: “obviously like your web site however you have to test the spelling on several of your posts. Many of them are rife with spelling problems and I in finding it very troublesome to inform the truth nevertheless I will definitely come again again.”

From “luxury rental bali”: “Book that banned make me more curious to buy.. Baby Massage”

Now, our Twitter account @thebooksluts basically has the best followers ever. There are some gloriously wry, bitingly sarcastic, and quick-witted readers who make it damn near impossible for me to actually log out of Twitter because they provide top-notch content. We also have the most lovely commenters; in fact, I really don’t mind telling you, I basically think we have the best group of people on the web visiting our site and talking to us. I’ve been to other sites, and you guys are the best. I’m not at all biased about this.

(I might be a little biased.)

While I was clearing the spam, I thought to myself, “I bet our readers could write up some pretty funny spam.”  BOOM. This idea was born.

Your challenge today is simple: write me a funny spam comment on this-here blog post. I will read them, and whichever one makes me laugh the most by noon tomorrow (EDT) wins. Unleash your inner spammer, and be as creative as you want; work alone, or with partners, whatever you can imagine. (Clearly, you can just about be as foul as you want, too. Within reasonable limits. Don’t make me vomit, or anything.)

Oh, and uh, there’s no actual prize. I’m just gonna make a graphic. Which you could proudly display anywhere you like, for it will be yours!

Go forth and be spamtastic!